You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
