my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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