Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
