I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
please don't ironically join a cult
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