I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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