I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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