Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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