threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
