just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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