Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
