new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Boobs speak an international language.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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