my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
