I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
