Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
