When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize