Already got asked if we're dating
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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