So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
