No, drunk sperm still make babies.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize