she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
