the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
