Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
