I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
