You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
