It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
