I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
