You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
