we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize