so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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