Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
