I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
