Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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