That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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