Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
