Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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