My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
