i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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