He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I want her autograph on my taint
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
