that's an acceptable place to lick
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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