I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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