alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
