Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
