and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
