I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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