Dude my mom stole all your condoms
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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