just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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