i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
