Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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