Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
