"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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