What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
