I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
