after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
