Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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