she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
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The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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