I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
