Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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