I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So squirting runs in the family.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
