I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
