WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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