toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
