oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
