New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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